I could not come up with an appropriate title for how i feel. “Manic Monday” would be fitting but I am sure I will feel like this every day until she starts. Life is so hectic and the days are flying. Make it stop. Today was the first day of classes for everyone in my college. I have decided to cram all my classes into Tuesdays and Thursdays. That way I can work Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. My daughter will get out at 3:30 every day so I will have evenings free with her. Of course Sunday is church day and free time. Not much room for fun but I am keeping busy to avoid having meltdowns from the stress.
Today is actually a rare day. A day in which I asked myself “how the hell do I do all of this?”. I am so tired. Its only Monday and I feel like I was hit by a bus. No. That’s not good enough. A garbage truck. With people laughing and pointing instead of asking if I am OK. All I can say is I am thankful for friends. And for having enough sense to take a mental break when I really need it.
As a mother, I tend to push myself to the limits when trying to accomplish everything. I want to make everyone happy and finish every task. I am a perfectionist or OCD maybe. I could just push myself extra because I know I have no one else to accomplish things for my child. Or my own life. I am dating and happy but my dating life is separate from my obligations as a parent. I am not married nor am I with my child’s father. I am independent and take care of it all on my own. Sometimes I just do too much.
Sometimes I do feel weird pushing a stroller around my college campus. I am young but I also look very young. There is no mistaking it. I feel extra embarrassed when I cannot maneuver a freakin stroller around the damn college bookstore. Other weird feelings include seeing packs of guys checking out girls and then seeing me. With that nauseated and “holy shit” expression. A few people will hold doors for me. Some look at me probably wondering why I am on campus with a small child.I am not the only mother on campus or in the world to attend college. I also find pride in being a college mama. But sometimes I do feel the sting when I am judged. It still hurts. I don’t get invited much to famous hangouts or events. I really don’t ever have a babysitter. So there’s no place i can go If my daughter can’t come. I get over it. I make it work.
Its just one of those days where I am so emotional that I want to burst into tears at any god given moment. My daughter has been cranky because of a virus she caught, most likely during her last week in preschool. It was something going around that made her breakout in a full rash and get flu like symptoms. Fun stuff. I have just tried to remind myself that patience and hugs are what she needs. Does anyone want to be screamed at when they already don’t feel good? Sometimes parents react fast without thinking of what situation the child is in. I do not want to be one of those. Of I have a bad day, it is not her fault. Punishing her for it will not make the day go smoother.
What I did manage to do was recognize her feelings and reinforce nap time. As she naps, I have had time to wind down and process out what I need to do for her first day of kindergarten. We managed to get all her supplies labeled. I also found an adorable little dry erase board to write on for her. I decided to use one for her first day of school sign. We can reuse it for other firsts. I got a big pink scrapbook and scrap pages to fill in as she experiences things in kindergarten. It will be simpler to fill in as we go rather than attempt to make a book at the end of the year. Smart thinking.
I am shocked at how much was needed for kindergarten. Three notebooks. Binders. Binders? A clipboard. The usual pencils, markers, crayons and colored pencils. She needed 10 glue sticks and 2 bottles of Elmer’s glue. Scissors as well as folders and a supply box. A set of paints and a smock. Poor kid. The bag is bigger than her. We managed to find sand which boxes with a princess and horse on each. Totally cute, easy to open and safe. Two for ten at hallmark. Random right?
Its exactly 13 days until my heart drops. I just want everything to slow down. This semester is going to be one wild ride. My only hope is to survive it without losing hair. I’d like to avoid getting any grays at 22.
My only agenda now is sleep. Tomorrow I start my fall semester as a senior. I used to be such an eager freshman. The one who sat in the first row, middle seat. Everything laminated and printed out. Teachers knowing me by my summer emails. Readings printed and alphabetized.
My motto for senior year is “whatever…it’ll work its self out”.